Recently, a friend asked me a profound question: "What do you see as the dance between our relationships with others and our need for sovereignty or autonomy?" This question struck a chord with me because it touches on a core challenge in my life and, I believe, in the lives of many others.
Here is the answer I published on YouTube
In case you prefer written content, this is for you:
At its heart, this question addresses the universal human struggle between the desire for independence and the need for interdependence, autonomy, and community. These dual needs often feel like opposing forces, demanding us to compromise one for the other. For me, the need for both ends of these spectrums is high, and like many, I’ve often felt forced to choose one over the other.
Collectively, we lack the structures and skills to support having both simultaneously. Our upbringing doesn’t typically emphasize self-awareness, authentic self-expression, boundaries, emotional intelligence, and communication—all essential for balancing these dual needs. As a result, we often find ourselves in situations where we are enmeshed, leading to resentment over the loss of sovereignty, or where we cling to our sovereignty, feeling a void in connection.
The rise of polyamory, for example, can be seen as an attempt to address this imbalance, providing a way to maintain connections without compromising independence. However, the shadows of sovereignty—such as isolation, self-involvement, and loneliness—are ever-present. Similarly, the shadows of relationship—co-dependence, enmeshment, and loss of identity—can undermine our sense of freedom.
In an ideal world, sovereignty would be the foundation for deep connection. But systemic challenges, some of which are gendered, complicate this balance. I haven’t seen many examples of an equanimous balance between these poles in practice, so perhaps this ideal is a bit delusional. Or maybe, the ideal is simply navigating the dance of being with and around these poles and everything in between.
To find a balance between independence and interconnectedness, we can adopt several strategies to mitigate the extremes of isolation and enmeshment:
Self-Awareness and Reflection: Regularly check in with yourself to reflect on your needs, emotions, and behaviors. Practices like journaling or mindfulness can increase self-awareness and help you recognize patterns of isolation or dependency.
Develop Emotional Intelligence: Cultivate empathy to understand and relate to others' feelings while maintaining your own emotional health. Managing your emotions effectively can prevent excessive reliance on others for emotional regulation.
Setting Healthy Boundaries: Clearly establish personal limits and communicate these boundaries to others. Respecting others' boundaries is equally important in fostering healthy relationships.
Engage in Personal Growth: Pursue activities and hobbies that fulfill you independently of your relationships. Continuous learning and personal development are crucial for maintaining a sense of sovereignty.
Build a Diverse Support Network: Develop relationships with a variety of people—friends, family, colleagues, and mentors—to avoid over-reliance on any single person. Community involvement can also provide a broader sense of connection.
Healthy Communication: Foster open and honest communication in your relationships. Effective conflict-resolution skills and collaborative decision-making ensure that both parties’ needs and opinions are considered.
Self-Care: Prioritize your physical and mental health through regular exercise, healthy eating, and adequate rest. Ensuring you have time for yourself to recharge and reflect can prevent over-dependence on others.
Balancing independence and interconnectedness is a dynamic and ongoing process. By actively working on these strategies, individuals can achieve a healthier, more fulfilling equilibrium in their personal and social lives.
